I'm now six months into my motherhood journey and I think that I, my daughter, and my new family has come a long way, but this was not without making a ton of mistakes and a lot of change so, today, I am going to share my biggest mistakes as a new mother.
I want to normalize a lot of aspects of the motherhood journey. Behind the filters, beautifully edited YouTube videos, and five second stories, there's a lot that you don't see. There's a lot that you won't see because there's so much pressure out there to be the "perfect mom", and a lot of this judgement comes from other mother's, which is absolutely ludicrous.
Well, today, I'm sharing that I'm not perfect, will never be perfect, and that's okay too! We live and we learn, and we will go on to be better people for it!
So, without any further delay, here are my top five mistakes as a mother that I vowed to never make again!
Not Following My Instincts
Japan is a very hierarchical society, and as a pregnant patient, it was expected of me to accept all of the doctors orders without a question. So, about two months before I was to give birth, I kept testing positive for protein in my urine. Of course I waited for the doctor to address it, but she never did. Well, around two weeks before my due date, I had a lot of anxiety about everything, and asked my husband why the doctor won't bring it up and address it because I read online that it can mean xyz, etc., etc., and he basically told me that my anxiety was unfounded because I'm "searching for problems", and that I should just listen to the doctor. That's a very un-American mindset, but I went against my instincts, and a few things happened that would have totally been avoided if I would have just followed my instincts!
I will never apologize for following my gut, and as a woman, my intuition is hella strong, but being here in Japan, and not really knowing the culture, etc., I often second guess myself, but that time is done and over with.
Not Accepting Help
Seeing my baby in the NICU completely broke my heart. Seeing her there with wires all over her and tubes coming from her, and no way to be held or loved on completely broke me down, but I also had this overwhelming feeling of love, and an urge to protect her. Like, I owe her everything in the world from here on out because I let her down and failed to protect her, so from the moment she came home from the hospital, I took on 100% of her care. I basically wouldn't even let my husband take care of her at all! He had to ask me to hold her, etc.
Well, that was not sustainable because I also needed to take care of myself so that I could take care of her. So, I had to learn how to trust and I also had to learn that trusting others was good for me and my baby's bond and relationship. Now, I love my husband even more because I see how capable he is and how much he loves and adores our daughter. I see the bond my daughter has with her nursery school teacher and all the love and care they pour into her. It takes a village to raise a child, and I was absolutely doing her a disservice by shielding her from the world. Just because I accept help, does not mean I'm not capable. I know I am a great mother to her, even if I can't teach her or provide her with everything.
Not Prioritizing Myself
In addition to not advocating for myself to the doctors, when I was pregnant, I worked myself to the bone. I even went back to work early after my maternity leave. I convinced myself I needed the money. I convinced myself I was so lonely and isolated. I convinced myself that I owed my job something. I convinced myself that in order to be a good mom, I need to do it all. In reality, none of that is true. It was my low self-esteem that kept me from really loving myself and putting myself first. I'm still learning how to say "No", and I'm still learning how to put my needs and wants first, but I promise to never put a job or someone above myself or my family.
Not Prioritizing my Daughter's Schedule
I will be the first to say it. I run a tight ship at home, and I don't care what anyone says about it. I know what my daughter needs, and I know how much babies thrive on routine and schedules. So, "Yes, she needs to go to bed NOW, and No, I can't go out at 11am on a Monday". But, it wasn't always that way. In the beginning, I would accept invitations for events, try to manipulate my daughter's nap schedule, pack bottles hoping she'd eat on the go. Nope. It never worked out, and it was never worth it! Now, I put my daughter's schedule first. It's not worth her being sleep deprived because I wanted to have a picnic at the park or eat with friends at a cafe. I got really good at cutting conversations short or turning down invites. It was frustrating at first, but the consequences where even more frustrating.
Comparing Myself and My Situation
As a first time Mom, I got a buttload of unsolicited advice, while also being bombarded with tons of unrealistic expectations of motherhood. I started to feel guilty and like I was doing something wrong as a new mom. I also felt like my situation sucked so bad and what did I do to deserve this, etc? But that's completely not true. I have so much to be proud of, so much privilege, and I'm so blessed and highly favored. Everyone's situation is highly unique, and it's honestly not worth comparing any of it. I did try to reach out to other mother's who I thought I could connect with, but I am definitely not crying over spilled milk when it doesn't work out. I, my daughter, my family, and my life is more than enough!
These "mistakes" really made a tough and unfamiliar situation even worst, and they kept me from being the most amazing mother I could be, but I vowed to put all of this behind me, and move forward with the new knowledge I do have. I think it's important to reflect on your mistakes and try to learn from them, as mom's support each other and be real about the hardships we are faced with everyday.
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