Hey, Guys! This post has been a long time in the making. I have started writing this blog so many times, but I've never gotten the chance, or the heart, to finish it. My post-partum journey has been wild. Wilder than my wildest dreams in the best and worst possible way. It's kind of hard to encapsulate six months in one post, but I think it is important to talk about it, especially as a Black female in Japan. And, I think if I wait any longer, I'll never get around to it.
PHYSICAL
I had a natural birth with an episiotomy. In my opinion, and my doctor's opinion, I healed very well, and 6 months post partum, I'm completely back to normal, especially now that I've stopped breastfeeding as well. At first, my body went through a lot of changes. During my pregnancy, for some reason, my face got super dark, but post partum, my skin lightened way up and was super dry! like, my skin literally felt like paper and it was so red! Now, things have evened itself out.
I also feel like my odor changed though. This may be TMI, but after pregnancy, I felt so stinky! And it didn't help that I was having terrible night sweats. I don't feel stinky anymore, but I definitely think my scent changed.
I lost all my baby weight, and I didn't acquire any stretch marks. Also, now that I'm done breastfeeding, I really feel like my normal self, but the hormonal changes are bad, which lead me to the mental aspect.
MENTAL
I am going to be 100% honest and say that I did not predict how tough it was going to be raising a baby alone post-partum. The added stress of being away from my family and being in a foreign country just exacerbated the situation. Furthermore, Covid-19 really, for lack of a better word, F***ed up everything for me. Not having my family to help support me through a traumatic birthing experience really messed with my head. Also, having a baby totally put a strain on my marriage, and so, I honestly felt alone. Plus, my daughter had what I think was colic as a newborn on top of having a birth injury. So, I felt like I was living my life on Expert Mode, and honestly, I felt like I was going to die.
I'm pretty sure I had or have post-partum depression, anxiety, rage, etc. I am looking into seeing a counselor for to help work through what I went through, but it really was hard for me to get out of bed in the first few months of my daughter's life.
EMOTIONAL
So, on top of the mental strain, my emotions were all over the place, but being in a foreign country, I couldn't show it. I had to be strong. I had to put a smile on my face everyday for my husband and daughter and all the staring eyes on me. I had to push down my emotions to tend to my daughter's birth injury. She needed me 200% of the time. I couldn't even find the time or place to cry even if I wanted to. I couldn't break down because I had no one to lean on. my husband already had a lot on his plate, and I felt terrible venting to him and bringing him down with me.
At six months, though, I am definitely feeling a lot better. However, I definitely should get a counselor or therapist or something if only to work through those first few months and my pregnancy.
LIFESTYLE
I decided to go back to work at 5 months post-partum. The reason was because I was feeling so isolated and trapped. Not knowing the language fluently, not having a lot of friends, having no family here, not being connected to the community, was all damaging to me. Definitely work has its own stress and drama, and people can be a pain, but it was a pick your poison kind of situation. Although I don't need the money, I needed to get out of the house and distance myself a bit so I can find the time to think and work through my emotions so I can come back and be the best mother/wife I can be.
FUTURE
As for the next six months, I have a lot of thinking to do. We got the baby's six month MRI results, and we have a lot to discuss about her future. It's not possible to travel to the States, but I really hope my family can see the baby before she turns a year old. I am still working full time, but I definitely have to put up some better work/life boundaries. I am also thinking, as I mentioned before, getting a therapist or something, but otherwise, I am definitely going to enjoy baby Aki because she is so fun right now!
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